I have always wanted to write/direct/produce a series of absolutely lurid, terrible, and offensive low-budget movies. Perhaps it is because I spent much of my teenage life watching "Up All Night" on the USA network (not to mention spending much of my pre-teen life watching Up All Night's predecessor, "Commander USA's Groovy Movies") or maybe I'm just a sick bastard. But here are some ideas I've had for treatments.

Escape from Retard Mountain | Sort of a Deliverance-type story about a troup of cheerleaders on a field trip, whose school bus runs into the ditch in the middle of the Appalachians. The girls are chased through the woods by raving inbreds, and progressively lose more and more clothing. Lots of nudity, slapstick comedy, and gratuitous girl-on-girl action.

Clusterfuck! | Some people say that the musical is dead. Well, if it isn't, this project would certainly finish it off.

Attack of the Shitheads | A chemical spill causes insanity and mutations among sewer workers. As putrid-smelling zombies come crawling out of the manholes, it is, for some reason, up to a sheriff and a waitress to save the town.

Inflate-a-mate | A lonely man purchases an inflatable love doll through the mail. At first, their relationship is idyllic. But as his fantasies grow more and more obsessive, the doll begins to take over, resulting in a mass-murderous outcome.

Stake My Wife, Please | In the spirit of TV's "Bewitched" and "I Dream of Jeannie," this is a comedy about a straightlaced man whose life is turned upside-down when his wife becomes a vampire. The entire soundtrack would be lifted from Starship's Greatest Hits.

Four on the Floor | Life is all about two things for John and Susan--auto theft and hot, hot sex. But when they hook up with another couple with similar interests, their interests expand accordingly.

--------