A lot of people have been proposing lately that the unbelievable amount of media attention that has been given to the charges against Michael Jackson are meant to distract us from the real news--the war-for-profit policies of the current administration.

I would like to take this idea one ... no, two ... steps further. I would like to propose not only have the charges against Michael Jackson been fabricated by the government, but that the being we know as Michael Jackson himself has been fabricated by the government.

Every sane American knows that the real Michael Jackson died in the explosion that decapitated him in 1987 when he was filming a Pepsi commercial, and that he rigged the explosion himself, that his suicide was inspired by his admiration for the actress Jane Mansfield (who was not, despite urban legend, decapitated but merely scalped) and by the realization that he would never be able to match the success of his Thriller album. But suffice it to say, there are few sane Americans.

Sources indicate that mere seconds after Michael's severed head hit the floor, CIA operatives were there to clean up all evidence. By "clean up," I mean "shoot in the face." Jackson's remains, already cyborg-like at that time, were whisked off to a secret location in the Andes, where they were dismantled and reassembled by US-funded Soviet defectors with expertise in the field.

All African-American features were removed, including the skin color. The idea was that children would admire something that resembled more of the WASP ideal, but obviously, technology was not so great during the Reagan administration. What we ended up with was something that looked like a Muppet gone wrong. The cyborg that was conceived of as the grand distraction had to be destroyed when it was finally realized this year that 1) it had no fans and 2) the administration is desperately, horribly in need of distraction.

At any rate, get ready for a trial as long and as widely publicized as the Friends farewell season.
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