It was so much fun with music. Now we need some drinks.
Toddlerhood
I have four distinct memories about beverages as a young child. The first is being weaned from the bottle. Yes, I remember this, because it is a particularly traumatic event, and because it happens instantly. My teenage sister suddenly thinks that I should no longer be drinking from the bottle, and has a great idea to convince me to stop. She takes the bottle from me and smears the nipple around in a dirty ashtray. I refuse to even look at the bottle after that. My mom gets mad and gets me a new bottle with a clean nipple, but I will never drink from it again.
The second is when I develop a hatred for orange juice. Whenever I drink it, I get an orange juice moustache, which if left unwiped, burns into my skin. The third is vomiting after drinking a lot of Kool-Aid. I believe after that that I am allergic to Kool-Aid, and it takes a lot of reasoning to convince me otherwise. The fourth is that my sisters drink Tab, and there isn't a more vile liquid in the universe.
Childhood
I love the smell of the empty school cafeteria when I am sent down on milk duty. It is almost as good as being sent on eraser duty. I hate school lunch, though, so my mom packs a brown bag for me to bring to school. I have the most ghetto thermos in the world -- it is actually just a baby food jar full of Kool-Aid.
Eventually, I get a real lunchbox with a real thermos. It is a Star Trek lunchbox. I have a series of similar lunchboxes until I switch back to brown bags in 5th grade. My thermos gets broken on the first day of school, and I start bringing Coke for lunch.
In the summertime, I drink lots of Sunkist and play lots of video games. On special days, we get to make root beer floats. My brother's girlfriend tells me that Sunkist floats are even better. This is a revolutionary idea, so I try it. She's right. They taste like Dreamsicles. It's amazing.
Around age 12, I make what could be the biggest mistake of my life. I begin drinking 5-6 cans of Coke every day. Gradually, my scrawny physique begins to change, and I have no idea why. I wrongly attribute it to puberty. I switch from "slim" jeans to "regular" jeans. I never make it to "husky," thank God, but my metabolism is changed forever.
Junior High
In the hallway at school, there are two beverage machines: one with juice and one with soda. Every morning, I drink a can of juice. The rest of the day, I drink Coke. I have chronic fatigue syndrome, and I am always tired. I drink a lot of Coke to stay alert. It makes me even pudgier.
In 8th grade, the advanced English class gets to take a bus to Minneapolis to see a stage production of Dracula. My friend Jeff acquires several 2-liters of Bartles & Jaymes wine cooler. He dumps out several 2-liters of Mountain Dew, and fills them with up with booze. These, he brings onto the bus to Minneapolis. This is my first experience with alcohol. I am careful, and drink only enough to barely feel it. Everyone on the bus drinks it, and surprisingly no one pukes and no one gets caught. You can tell the teachers know something is going on, but they can't figure it out. It's too brazen of a plan for them to believe. When I get home, I feel really good, like something important happened.
In 9th grade, I start going to parties. These are the last of the colossal '80s parties thrown by high school kids. I never drink anything at these parties, but I go to watch. There is a lot of puking, a lot of fighting, and a lot of falling down. It is not glamorous. The sight of cheerleaders with their heads in the toilet puts things in perspective for me.
High School
I do not drink alcohol at all in high school. This makes me an anomoly. I do, however, have a taste for sugar. One night, I enter into the most historic giggle-fit of all time. This is brought on by Hi-C, Little Debbie cakes, and Kiss' Dynasty album (for non-veterans of the Kiss Army, Dynasty was the band's experiment with disco). I am on the floor hyperventilating. The next day, I am sore all over from laughing.
In my senior year, I try some Diet Coke, and decide that I like it. I switch over completely to diet. A few months later, someone asks me how I lost all that weight. I hadn't even thought of it -- but it turns out I have lost something like 30 pounds. I never drink regular soda again.
College/Early 20s
I begin drinking coffee. It is innocent enough at first -- a cappucino every now and then. Then I switch to regular coffee. The caffeine rush is amazing, and I find it difficult to believe that this drug is legal. Not only legal, but accepted. People are brewing it up in offices and places of business everywhere. Almost everyone you see is stoned out of their minds have the time on coffee.
I go to bars and drink beer. Beer, I learn, is ambrosia. I don't drink much of it, but enough. And any beer will do. The Palace has pitchers of Killian's for $3, which is right in my budget, so it's my favorite place. $2 pitchers at the Anchor on Philosophy Night. On weekends, it's Shark Tanks at Norm's. Everyone I know has a backseat full of rubber sharks and alligators.
One night, I realize that I have never been drunk. I mean really, really drunk. It's an experience I need to have. So my girlfriend and I pour some huge, huge vodka drinks. Together we consume almost a fifth of vodka. She points to the line between the couch cushions; "You are not allowed to cross this line," she explains. "If you cross this line, I will become pregnant." Then we begin vomiting. We are too sick to move for about 24 hours. As of the day I write this post, I will never be that drunk or that hungover again.
I learn the psychological power of alcohol when I go to a party that starts out normal enough, but at the end of the night everyone is naked. Well, except for the couple wrapped in cellophane.
Mid 20s
I get really into Scotch and cognac. Also martinis. This is really funny in bars, as I frequent the ones listed above. They're pretty cool about it at Norm's, but Bean from the Anchor really wants to kill me. When I order a martini, she rolls her eyes and gives me gin on the rocks with an olive in it. I love that place.
My love of straight liquor comes to an end in Murdo, South Dakota. After some travel setbacks involving accidentally filling the tank with diesel, I hit it hard at the local tavern down the road from the motel. I'm drinking Cutty Sark. Eventually, we become the local entertainment. Eventually, the drinks become free. And green. The next day I am extremely hung over, wandering through the Badlands. It will be a long time before I can drink anything brown.
Fitger's Brewhouse opens, and I get my first taste of microbrew. I realize immediately that it will be hard to go back to plain beer.
Late 20s/30s
Starfire Lounge begins, and I start going every Thursday, without fail. Eventually, of course, I will get to know Starfire and start playing music, too. But for years, I am content to drink beer and listen. The waitresses know what kind I want when I get there.
For awhile, I become extremely weight conscious and rarely drink anything other than water. During this time, I am in the best shape of my life, and use all my extra money to buy clothes. I eat no fat and am filled with hate.
I hit a turning point at my 10-year high school reunion. The day starts off at the Ripsaw office, where I meet some Ripsaw staff along with a couple of my fellow alumni. We go to tour the Lake Superior Brewery. There, they ply us with beer. "Sit down for awhile and have a pitcher," they say when we get there. "I'll be with you in awhile." We have more than a pitcher. Then we tour the brewery and drink straight from the taps on the floor. Then, we talk to the guy in charge, and drink more pitchers. This is somewhat more than a person should drink in a day.
After this, we head to the Hacienda, where we eat cheese and drink more beer. Then we go to the Norshor, where there is an art opening with free wine. Then, finally, it is time to go to the reunion. At the Tap Room.
At the reunion everyone gets 'faced. I win "Most Changed." The party goes on into the night, until someone announces, inevitably, that it is time to go to Superior. As a class, we hit the worst bars. Frankie's. CC Tap. Drinking, drinking, drinking. Eventually, we go to Louis' to eat. My friend who is a doctor takes one look at his food, and rushes out the door. I say, "If he had spent the past 10 years developing a tolerance instead of going to med school, he'd be fine."
Anyway, the next day, I wake up and feel terrific. From this point on, I can drink a lot more than ever before without having a hangover.
I still drink coffee every morning, and I still do not drink the sugar drinks. In fact I have developed an extreme aversion to sweets. If only I could develop an aversion to beer, I would be thin and I would have money.
No such luck.
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