George Carlin once said, "Life ... is a series of dogs." I tend to agree. I haven't owned a dog since I moved out of my parents' house, but here goes.

Pepper & Smackey

These are the two dogs that live in my house when I am born. They are already pretty old, and they can't be more different. Smackey is gentle and kind, and Pepper bites me every chance that she gets. Just my luck Smackey, dies when I am like, 2.

One day when I am about 5, everyone looks out the kitchen window, exclaiming. I want to see. I try to do my usual trick, climbing up on the sink, but they keep pushing me down. "You don't NEED to see," I am told. My grandpa puts on his coat and says, "I'm going to get the hose."

Several months later, Pepper is going to have puppies! There are three puppies. As follows.

Midnight, Boots, and Lady

Midnight is my favorite puppy. My brother says, "You can have this one," because he knows it will die. Midnight is the runt of the litter and is not allowed to interact with the other puppies. He sleeps on a heating pad, and I feed him with a tiny bottle. He lives for about a week. I must be prepped for this pretty well, because his death doesn't really bother me, except that I will miss him.

Boots chews everything and is prone to running away. My sister's boyfriend is in the Air Force, and Boots chews up his military-issue shoes. He marries my sister despite this, because he is a good man. Boots runs away many times, eventually forever.

Lady has black fur and wirey hair. She will live a long life, and will be my dog. She is afraid of fireworks and guns, but that's her only problem. Oh, and she tends to shit in obscure locations in the house sometimes. This gains her the nickname, "The Phantom Shitter."

Spanky

My sister acquires Spanky, whom she names after the Little Rascals character. She moves into an apartment, however, and can't keep her, so my brother takes her on, and my brother still lives at home. Spanky is a Chihuahua mix.

Something extremely funny and tragic happens to Spanky. My mom always makes the family recipe, "Moon Pudding," for Thanksgiving. This is a traditional English dessert made from raisens, flour, and suet (Don't laugh, it's actually quite good). The whole blob is wrapped up in a towel and boiled for like two days. Well, one fine Turkey Day, Mom is transferring the mess to another pot when the towel breaks open, spilling boiling fat onto Spanky's back. The dog must be rushed in an emergency trip to the vet, and there will forver be a large, hairless spot on her back. This becomes a conversation piece for years and years, since she lives about as long as a dog can. Thank god she leaves our house when my brother moves out.

Daisy

I have discussed Daisy before.

Killer

The younger of my two brothers realizes he wants a dog of his own. So he goes to the pet shop and buys one. The people at the pet shop tell him it's a Cocker Spaniel, but it obviously isn't. He thinks it will turn out into some kind of Cocker Spaniel mix, and thinks it will be funny to name it Killer. It turns out to be a huge, muscular Yellow Lab, and the name is nothing but appropriate.

Killer is smart. He is, above all else, a Frisbee dog. He will fetch anything. One day, I decide to see if he'll fetch a large chunk of firewood. He does, until his mouth is bloody. He has to be restrained so that he will not continue to fetch it.

He fights the other dogs in the neighborhood and always wins. I gain respect among the other neighborhood kids because Killer lives at my house.

Killer dies when he is hit by a car. Which leads us to our next dog.

Rheanna Sienna of Rhune

When my brother's boss hears about Killer, he gives him this dog; the name comes with it. Rheanna is cool. She's a full-blooded Afghan hound, which is like a greyhound with long, silky fur. She's the fastest dog you've ever seen, and also the laziest. If you are driving behind a car in which she is riding, you will think she is a beautiful woman. Then when you pass that car, you will feel like the biggest perv in the world.

My brother moves out and takes Rheanna with him. When he splits up with his girlfriend, she gets the dog. She lives to a ripe old age in wonderful comfort. (And so does the dog, hardy har har.)

Suzanna Majestic Sunshine

Ok, now we're going way too far in the name department. Suzie is named before we got her, again. People with AKC dogs name them weird. Anyway. Suzie is a collie, and belongs to my sister for a long time before she sells her. After about a week, my sister goes by the place where Suzie lives and realizes she's totally being abused. So Suzie (ahem) comes to live with us.

Suzie is probably smarter than any dog ever, except maybe (and I mean maybe) for Killer. She will do whatever you tell her to, even if it's not in that "I'm talking to a dog" voice, and even if it's complicated. But, she has been hit by a car, and has severe arthritis. Not to mention matting of the fur. Still, she lives a long time, until she starts having extremely disturbing seizures and must be put down.

Maggie

We haven't spoken of Lady for a long time, but she's been there the whole time. She is a good dog, who doesn't get hit by cars or move out or die. When Lady dies of old age, my parents get Maggie, which proves to me that I must move out. Maggie is annoying -- a real Cocker Spaniel, which I think is my least favorite breed. She whines and begs for treats constantly.

Recently when I was at my parents' house, Maggie started begging and I pushed her with my foot. She fell down, and could not get back up. I felt really bad. But not really.

Now my parents have a new dog, because they know that Maggie is not long for this world. The new dog rocks. Her name is Emma, and she's a weiner dog. Finally! A weiner dog!

You don't know how much I love typing that. "Finally! A weiner dog!"
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