Halloween is coming up soon, and that's the second-best reason to run out and rent Motel Hell immediately. The best reason, of course, is that this movie is so awesome I can hardly contain myself. I came home from work at 5am and threw this DVD in for some pre-dawn relaxation. Little did I know I would be in hysterics for the next hour and a half.

The first of the big belly laughs comes about 5 seconds into the movie. Even the credits are funny.

Rory Calhoun is old dude who was in about a million cheap westerns back when they made such things. Nancy Parsons is best known as Ms. Ballbricker from Porky's. Wolfman Jack is Wolfman Jack, and apparantly was such a star in 1980 that he gets top billing, even though he only has a cameo.

The plot is both familiar and ridiculous. Farmer Vincent (Calhoun) lives in the country with his sister Ida (Parsons), where they run a farm with a couple of sideline businesses. First is the ominous Motel Hello, with its flickering neon sign. Second is Farmer Vincent's Smoked Meats, which are best smoked meats in the world.

I think you know where this is going.

The secret recipe, of course, uses human flesh mixed in with the pork to spice things up. "It takes all kinds of critters to make Farmer Vincent's Fritters." The humans (or "animals" as Vincent calls them) are kept buried alive up to their chins in the "secret garden" with sacks over their heads. When Vincent and Ida "plant" them, they cut their vocal cords to keep them quiet. Vincent is kind enough to play 8-tracks for them so they don't get bored.

But none of this even matters. What matters is they way this stupid scenario is delivered. This movie is a study in how to make a B-movie, and everything is executed perfectly.

The unhidden, unforgiving backbends that the movie takes purely for the inclusion of nudity is a prime example. Why the hell does the sheriff take this girl to lover's lane so they can watch a drive-in movie with binoculars? Well, so that when the squad car pulls up to the make-out spot, the naked people in the cars will panic and do the natural thing, which is jump out of their vehicles and run around frantically jiggling. Of course. Who wouldn't do that?

Other scenes are just shockingly lurid. For instance, there's a scene with a kinky couple who show up at the motel with a tacky little pamphlet, wanting to know if the place is "cool." I can't and wouldn't even describe what happens next. It's too outrageous and too funny. You need to see it for yourself.

Also, there is the sympathetic attitude toward Farmer Vincent. He's not a bad guy. He prays to Jesus every day. He refuses to have premarital sex. Even the canniabalism, he does out of social concern: "There's too many people in the world and not enough food," he says. "Now this takes care of both problems at the same time."

Really, Farmer Vincent has only committed one sin in his entire life, which he reveals at the end. It's the punchline of the movie, really. Don't miss it.

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