This year, my family has decided not to exchange Christmas presents. I think this is a great idea. We all have too much stuff anyway, expecially my parents, who certainly do not need any more Jesus-oriented wall hangings or porcelain knick-knacks.

But I have decided to extend this spirit of ungiving to everyone I know. Yeah, I realize that last year I got all sappy about wanting to give presents to everyone in the world. But this year I feel like it's not even Christmas, really.

Still, I've decided to give a little gift to myself: Cable TV, baby. I figure since I'm 90% less interested in the expensive habit of intoxicating myself, I can afford some deluxe boob tube action. I haven't had cable since I moved out of my parents' house, and that was back in the analog days. Back in my day, sonny, we had only one HBO. And we liked it, dammit.

I plan on having 12 HBOs plus the Independent Film Channel, Sundance, and Cartoon Network. I'm sure there's a couple hundred other decent channels in there (along with about a thousand channels that show nothing but nuns selling cutlery) but those are the ones I plan on watching a lot of.

So come on over and let's watch TV. I'll provide the beverages. You provide your own drool towel and Depend Undergarment.

And yeah, I'm not stupid. I know the introductory price, which is guarateed through 2005, will be jacked up by prolly about 50 bucks a month as soon as the offer's over. But despite Charter Cable's slogan ("Get Hooked"), I'm hoping this adventure will be like joining the Columbia Record Club, and not like establishing a healthy smack habit.

Merry Christmas, Earth People.
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