Like most people my age, my introduction to computing occurred back in elementary school, and involved the Apple ][e. There was probably only one of them in the whole school, and the big reward for being good was being allowed to play Oregon Trail.

In junior high, we had an actual computer lab with an Apple ][e for everyone in the class. I had two classes in the computer lab -- keyboarding, in which we just typed, and computer programming, in which we actually learned BASIC. By this time I had also inherited a Commodore VIC-20 so I was using BASIC at home, too.

My point is, aside from about three months when I had to use a Mac for word processing in college, 8th grade was the last time I regularly used an Apple computer. And that was the ][e, before the invention of the Mac, which is an entirely differnt animal anyhow. I think I'm pretty proficient when it comes to computers. I'm no genius and no expert, but I hold my own. Now, however, with a Mac in front of me, I feel like a complete idiot.

It's not so much like reading Greek, it's more like writing with my left hand or driving in England. I know how to do it, on a primary level, but I keep thinking, "Well, where's the ---?!" and "Why the hell is the ---- ?!" and "OK, that thing that normally does blah blah blah? What might that be called in this strange land?"

Another thing is, I think that I will never belong to the Cult of Apple. Apple people, who have grown up on these fancy expensive machines and have learned to hate the opposition, never say anything bad about their computers. Recently, I was looking up laptops in Consumer Reports for a friend of mine, and the article had users' ratings. Apple was the only one where users rated everything as excellent. That is bullshit.

This computer I am using has a glitch -- the USB ports do not work if the computer has been put to sleep. If you reboot, they work -- until you close the lid or otherwise put the computer to sleep. After that, you will have to reboot if you want to use a USB device. According to my research, this is a very common issue, but Apple will not acknowledge it or create a patch to fix it. Well, that sounds less than excellent to me.

Anyhow, I'm a quick study, and, no offense, but the Mac is built for chimps to operate, which is why people like them in the first place. So I'll get used to in very soon. Until then, I'm dumber than a chimp. I'm sub-chimp. I'm a flippin' gibbon.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go into the bathroom and attack my own reflection in the mirror.