Sometimes I like to think of all the different directions my life could have taken. There have been many choices I made in my life that drastically altered things for me, though I usually didn't realize it at the time.

- I often think of a particular decision I made in 8th grade. I really was a geek at heart, though I didn't want to accept it. Still, I took computer programming class and had a lot of fun on the Apple ][e. I sort of befriended the kid who sat next to me, who knew as much about computers as I did and even more, because he had a sweet setup at home while I had a crappy secondhand VIC-20 with a cassette drive. At lunchtime, I used to dick around with Lundgren, descending into the weird comedic world we had been building for the past several years, being class clown/showboats and whatnot. But one day this kid, whose name I don't even recall, asked me to join him and his friends (GEEKS one and all) to "hack it up" at lunch sometime, meaning play hackeysack, not spit lugies. Being no good at kicking sports, and being absorbed in my regular lunchtime weirdness, I never took him up on it. But what if I had? Who would I be today?

- In retrospect, and in retrospect only, it's amazing that I didn't go down another severely different path in junior high. I have always, on some level, liked to draw, and I was really into heavy metal back then. It's kind of surprising that I didn't become one of those kids who ignored the teacher so as to perfect their rendition of "Eddie", the Iron Maiden mascot, in their notebooks. But truth be told, most of those kids were obviously destined for jail even back then, and, being literally from the wrong side of the tracks I was so dead set against that route that I didn't even want to listen to Iron Maiden. Which is a shame, because as an adult I realize that Iron Maiden kicks serious ass. I'm proud that I at least had the sense back then to know that Motorhead is one of the greatest bands of all time.

- I was never baptized, and I never went to church. This was a decision my mom made for whatever reason when I was born. All of my five brothers and sisters were baptized and went through the whole church rigamorole. But not me. I have never been cleaned of sin. I'm filthy.

When I was about 8, some zealot came into our yard and began preaching to my dad about this and that while he was trying to build a windmill or one of the many other bizarre things he got into at that time. This guy wanted ME to go to some kind of church/Sunday school bullshit. My dad, somehow, agreed to this, probably just to get him out of his own hair. My mom was furious, and when the next Sunday rolled around and the yellow schoolbus came to pick me up, she kindly informed them to bug off. Thank God. That could have seriously messed me up. I still haven't been to church, except for weddings and other social functions. Screw that -- I prefer to honor my mother and father.

- Here's one that I kind of regret. In much the same fashion as the above anecdote, a door-to-door salesman once came to our house selling accordion lessons at a local music shop. My parents weren't home, but I thought the idea was awesome (remember above? geek.) and so did my sister. But if you know anything about my early upbringing, and I assume you don't, the answer to any request was almost always "no." And so I never became the accordion superstar that I wanted to be. I should have fought harder.

There are thousands of these botched turning points in my life, as well as everyone else's life I suppose. Somewhere out there is a parallel universe where I am an accorionaire, a Christian, a dirtbag who can draw a perfect skeleton, a dorky hackysack expert. Shudder to think.