More advice
January 11, 2006 :: Link :: Textuality
Maria writes:
Barrett, you give good advice. My roommate's butt is bleeding. What should he do?
Well, Maria, drawing upon my vast experience as an unlicensed medical doctor, I can assure you that a bleeding butt can indicate many different problems, most of them minor. However, you have failed to mention which part of his butt is bleeding, and how much blood there is. Is this a butt cheek puncture wound? Or is the blood pouring by the gallon from his rectum?
The most common cause of a bleeding butt is a simple case of hemorrhoids. If this is the case, your friend should purchase some Preparation H. I once read an article that said that Preparation H is the most commonly stolen item from drugstores. You'd think it would be condoms, but if you really think about it, it makes sense. If you're buying condoms, you're getting laid. If you're buying Preparation H, you've got something wrong with your rectum. People are squeamish and embarrassed about all things rectum.
I once worked with a woman who brought an inflatable donut to work to sit on. I did a little research for this article -- just because I'm unlicensed doesn't mean I'm a quack -- and learned that sitting on an inflatable donut is actually bad for hemorrhoids.
I also learned that hemorrhoids are usually caused by sitting too much, standing too much, or walking too much. So my advice for your friend is to spend more time laying on the couch and watching TV. If he feels lazy about this, it can be justified as legitimately treating a medical condition.
I hope this has been of help to you and your friend. If not, my friend Paul Lundgren once wrote an article called "A Funny Thing Happened Up My Butt" which may be of service. Feel free to contact him for a copy.
Comments
Holy Christ.
Posted by: Mother Eternal | January 11, 2006 7:15 AM
Can we get a link to Mr. Lundgren's anal issues? Is there a date on the post so we can view it at our own discression in Mr. Lundgren's archives? It's not for me, but someone I know has butt problems.
Posted by: Not Bob | January 11, 2006 9:25 AM
See. I KNEW you had the advice in you. Look at how many lives you've changed already.
Posted by: Kate | January 11, 2006 9:40 AM
tell ruvie i'm sorry i made his butt bleed. i should have known better. that happened to starfire last time i pegged him.
Posted by: c-freak | January 11, 2006 10:24 AM
hemorrhoids can also be caused by pregnancy, though you don't mention if said coworker was pregnant or had recently given birth. if she'd recently given birth or had a late-term miscarriage, or if she'd had a particularly loathsome gynecological procedure, there are a whole slew of reasons why she might be sitting on one of those weird pillows.
Posted by: wix | January 11, 2006 11:59 AM
Not Bob: As far as I can tell, the Lundgren article is not currently available online.
Wix: She was in her 50s, so it wasn't pregnancy related. I don't really want to think about it anymore.
Posted by: Barrett | January 11, 2006 1:38 PM
I believe you have found your true calling...butt doctor.
I mean...advice columnist.
Posted by: vicarious | January 11, 2006 9:42 PM
You should totally get a license plate that says "ASSMAN" now.
Posted by: Mary | January 11, 2006 10:14 PM
As an unlicensed medical doctor, I'm more of a GP. I don't really specialize in the ass per se.
Posted by: Barrett | January 12, 2006 1:38 AM
The details of my rectal examination, or, "A Funny Thing Happened Up My Butt," can be read in the May 2003 issue of The Cheerleader.
I'm quite sure you can purchase back issues of this magazine by e-mailing thecheerleader [at] excite [dot] com.
Posted by: Paul Lundgren | January 12, 2006 9:51 AM
REAL women don't need those weird pillows during pregnancy or thereafter.
Those are sissy pillows.
Posted by: Mother Eternal | January 12, 2006 11:24 AM
shit, i didn't know my question would inspire such a furor of interest. apparently a lot of people enjoy reading about bleeding buttholes. thank you barrett for your advice. i agree with your diagnosis of hemmorhoids.
butt (haha) i will say to your readers that red blood probably = hemmorhoids because if it's red it hasn't been digested by your colon. if it's all black and shit then you got somethin' to worry about.
re: the laying around...whoo-hoo! i'll be watching overdue dvd's from mr. movies for the next week. call me, baby!
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