I was in a grocery store in rural Iowa the first time I ever committed an act of pure evil. It was the summer of 1978, and I was 5 years old. My family was on a trip to visit relatives and we stopped at a local market for provisions.

I don't really know how this happened, being as that this was pre-supermarket America in the 1970s, but somehow I got lost. The average grocery store back then was no larger than a video store of today, but somehow, some way, I got separated from my family. Being only 5, this understandably freaked me out. This was my first time on the road, and I suddenly found myself alone in the strange land of Iowa, which was full of cornfields and smelled like pigs. (Which seriously was enough to make you almost vomit. Not quite, but almost.)

Probably I was lost for under one minute, but that was enough for me. I remember my parents looking around a corner and calmly saying "Here he is." No one worried about molestors or anything back then. That didn't start occurring to parents until Phil Donahue started screeching about it on daytime TV during the '80s. Still, being lost for 52 seconds was terrifying for me, and they knew it.

As we continued our shopping, I noticed another boy in the store who was probably a few years older than me. He was begging his mom incessantly for a pack of Fruit Stripe gum. "But mom, I know all about this kind of gum," he said. I knew all about it, too. The rainbow-colored alligator talked about it all the time during Saturday morning cartoons. There was some kind of a deal where you could win a toy or something. I don't remember exactly. What I do remember, however, is formulating an idea, a plan of sheer evil, and carrying that idea out.

The kid's mom kept telling him to quiet down and that he wasn't going to get any Fruit Stripe gum. He pouted, but eventually accepted it. His dreams of chewing gum and winning big had been squashed. They took their place in line and we got in line right behind them.

Now, as I said, I had been shaken up pretty badly by getting lost. And I knew that my parents knew that I'd been shaken up. Therefore, I reasoned, they would be willing to buy me something if I asked nicely for it. So as we stood there in line, I looked at the pouty kid in front of me, and very audibly said, "Can I get some Fruit Stripe gum?" My mom, oblivious to the other kid's pleas, immediately said yes. My dad, who was completely onto me, held back a laugh, but snorted.

Gleeful that I had made a sad kid even sadder, I happily shared my Fruit Stripe gum with my older siblings in the car. I had committed my first act of evil, and I couldn't have been happier. And as we sailed down the road, we all chewed merrily, the scent of rainbow fruit and pig shit dreamily swirling about us.