I cannot add, subtract, multiply or divide fractions. Also, I can't do simple multiplication or division in my head. I'm not saying that I'm particularly dumb about these things. I could learn them if I needed to. But I never learned how to do these things when I was a child, and there's fairly good chance that I will never learn to do them as long as I live.

See, the school wanted me to skip second grade. My parents said no. When it came to most things, my parents said no, which for the most was the wrong answer in my opinion (my childhood would have been much happier if I had been allowed to ride a minibike) but in this case they were right. Skipping grades is stupid, even if you are a genius like me.

*Cough*

The problem was, the school wasn't going to take no for an answer. Instead of having me skip a grade, they took me and three other second graders whose parents wouldn't let them skip a grade either, and stuck us in a third-grade class. We were still second graders, but we were the only second graders in a third-grade class.

This was absolutely brilliant. They asked me if I knew how to multiply, and I said that I did. I knew the concept of multiplication and the theory of what it was, so I explained it to them. But I hadn't memorized any multiplication tables or anything like that. I didn't even know you were supposed to memorize anything. I thought you were supposed to just add everything up. When I saw 11x5 on a sheet of paper, I simply made a column with five elevens and added.

Since I clearly knew how to multiply, we moved on to division. Dividing is fun when you don't know how to multiply. You actually have to invent your own style of mathetmatics under these circumstances. Let me tell you, awkward second-graders do not invent the most efficient mathematical processes. I know this from experience.

Eventually, it came out that I didn't know what the hell I was doing and that I had to learn math all over again. I half-assed my way through that, because I was already so far behind. I never really got much of a grasp on it. When it came time to manipulate fractions, I just couldn't do it. I pretty much opted not to learn that at all.

In seventh grade, when it came time to place us in our various math tracks, I was placed in the highest level. I complained to my guidance counselor that there must have been some mistake, because I can barely do long division. He said that the school system used your vocabulary skills to decide which math class to place you in. Since I had a very advanced vocabulary, I was placed in advanced math. And I thought my logic was skewed. I wanted to make use of my advanced vocabulary right there in his office, but instead I slugged off to advanced math.

Somehow, however, I managed to stay in the advanced math track all the way through school. I was awesome at understanding theory (just as I had been back in second grade) still, my answers were hit-or-miss. I could understand the most complex equations. But I'd botch some easy part along the way. Solving a problem, you had to add, subtract, multiply, and divide about twenty times. The odds were good that I'd get something wrong.

In the one math class I took in college, the professor recognized this immediately. She called me into her office about halfway through the semester. "You clearly understand everything taught in this class," she said. "But you have a problem. Here, for example," she said, pointing to a test I'd taken, "you have done everything in this equation correctly. You've done absolutely everything on this test correctly, yet almost half your answers are wrong. Look at this problem. See where you made the mistake? Nine times four is thirty-six, not thirty-two."

I told her that I'd always had this problem, and I told her the story I've just written here. Then I got a little bit pathetic. "If I don't get at least a B- in this class, I could lose my scholarship," which might have been true, depending on what major I later decided on.

When my report card came, I got a B- which I've always believed to be a bit fishy. I deserved it, though, even if I could barely do long division.