First off, let me start by saying that I have never canned, nor have I wanted to. It's not something that comes up very often in the life I choose to lead. But I'm aware that it is harvest season and that people are out there at this very minute, canning this year's crop. Well, that's good for you.

But I hate home-canned food. Here's why.

When I was a kid, we had this grungy green cabinet full of canned food in our basement. A lot of it was store-bought, and those cans were dented and rusted, with peeling, brittle labels. These didn't bother me. What bothered me was the home-canned food: dust-covered jars full of veiny tomatoes that had turned gray with age, colorless pickles drowining in what could only be dirty dishwater, and other gelatinous mystery vegetables that could not be identified at all.

One day I asked my brother about the cabinet. My brother, who was in the middle of one of his favorite hobbies -- shooting BBs into a styrofoam mannequin head -- described how the food was there for us to eat in the event of World War III.

This was, apparently, the remnants of a makeshift bomb shelter someone had set up back in the Bay of Pigs era or maybe even as far back as the 1950s. I looked dubiously at the jars, their rusty lids, their greasy exteriors, their questionable contents.

"I wouldn't eat that," I said.

My brother stated the facts bluntly. "You would if you were hungry enough."

At that moment I had an ugly vision. My family, trapped in the basement, fighting over the last swig of tomato-ish mopwater, thinking about moving on to the potato bugs and perhaps even the dogs.

I don't remember voicing my concern to my parents, but I must have, because it wasn't long before all those jars were cleaned out and thrown away, replaced by wrenches and carburetor parts. Plus, the teachers didn't hesitate to set our minds at ease and give us the real facts in school. There wouldn't be any scrounging in basements in the event of a war with the Soviets; Duluth, being an international port, would be instantly vaporized.

That was much better.