Someday I would like to own a house. To become a homeowner. Instead of just a ho-moaner. And while we all know what makes a good home -- a solid foundation, a wet bar, secret passageways -- what makes a good neighborhood is up for interpretation. So I often think about the neighborhoods in this part of the world and try to assess which one is right for me.

West Duluth
I lived most of my life in the 55807 ZIP code, and I would be a liar if I said that I didn't love it. Everything is cheaper there. People drive really cool cars. It's the only neighborhood in the Twin Ports that has its own beauty pageant. But yet, sometimes, West Duluth just doesn't seem quite right. I suppose this is the only neighborhood where it comes down to the actual house. If there's a great house in West Duluth that has everything I want, I will definitely take it.

East Hillside
This is my current neighborhood, and it has some greatness to it. First of all, a lot of the houses here have a great view, which would certainly be nice. Yet East Hillside is so ... expected. This is the neighborhood where semi-cool people who are not from here end up living. Because it is friendly and pedestrian and they can look at the main reason they moved here, which is Lake Superior. Ho-hum. Still, I'd live here.

Central Hillside
I kind of like this idea, because it's like West Duluth meets East Hillside. Sure, it's beautiful, but it's also noisy and full of street crime. Also I think that it's a good investment. It won't always be full of street crime. Gentrification is bound to set in, and when that happens, I can sell my house for three times what I paid for it. Plus, I can walk to the awesome bars. Thumbs up.

Lakeside
Sweet mother of god, NO. I've spent enough time in Lakeside to know one thing: Other than houses, there is NOTHING in Lakeside. And despite its name, there isn't even a view of the lake. And so you have to drive 20 minutes to get to anything. No. I like living across the street from the grocery store and two blocks from the bar. No. NO.

West End/Lincoln Park
Do you know where I'm from? I'm from West Duluth. Do you know who I hate even more than those East End cake-eaters? People from the West End, that's who. First off, I loathe when people confuse West Duluth with the West End. Second, this is the new ghetto. I don't need to live somewhere where kids get robbed on their way to school. Plus, I work in the West End, and I really don't want to spend any more time there than necessary.

Piedmont
Sweet Jesus. No we're really getting into the neighborhoods I hate. First off, "piedmont" means "foothill" in French. What the hell does that mean? While Piedmont does have wonderful views of the West End and the industrial sections of the Duluth Harbor, it feels depressing to me. I don't know much about the neighborhood, but it seems like a place for white trash people from the West End to move to when they feel that they've "made it." Sure, you have a good job with that blacktopping firm and you can afford that bungalow with the neon 80s furniture from E-Z Own, but do you have to keep the trash-stash and the glass-and-fake-mahogany case of Minnesota Vikings bobbleheads? Oh, yeah. That's right. They might be *worth something* someday.

Downtown
Holy shit. Now we're getting somewhere. If I could live on Superior Street, or better yet Michigan Street right in the heart of downtown, I'd be a happy fellow. In my ideal life, I both live and work on Superior Street. Actually, no. I live on Superior Street and work as the guy who raises and lowers the Aerial Lift Bridge. That is awesome. I have nothing bad to say about this situation at all, as long as there's off-street parking.

Canal Park
Canal Park has a lot of condos, which just might be my ideal living situation, since I can't stand yardwork or home maintenance of any kind. Oh, sure, I'm kind of good at it I think, but still, it's not something I enjoy doing. Plus, spitting on tourists from my kitchen window would be a lot of fun.

Chester Park
I can't rule this out, because I do have an affinity for listening to NPR and for reading the New York Times. I could imagine a nice quiet life for myself in Chester Park. Hell, it's probably where I'll end up.

Woodland
The only good thing about Woodland is that it has a Piggly Wiggly. And the only good thing about Piggly Wiggly is that it's fun to say.

Gary/New Duluth
Gross. The next best thing to living in Carlton.

Superior
I often think about living in Superior, and it has many appeals. The one Superior neighborhood I love is called Central Park, which I think a lot of people don't know about. Sometimes I go out there and drive around, and it's absolutely beautiful. The houses are eclectic (as they are in most of Superior, which is why I like the town) and very beautiful. They all surround this great park, which is also tremendous. But even though it's only a few block from Belknap, I think I'd still feel isolated. But yet, it's fantastic.

Park Point
I suppose it's because of my inherent naivete that this appeals to me. Everyone always says that moving to Park Point is a horrible idea. The bridge. The traffic. The teenagers burning stuff and breaking bottles in your backyard. The impossibility of ever affording a home on the 'lake' side of the point and having to live on the 'bay' side. Still. Still.

Hm.