So I'm talking to [Relative A] who's disturbed about [Relative B]. It seems that [Relative B] has done and is doing some things that are, if not a betrayal of trust, are downright assholic.

"How can he do that?" I ask. "I mean, how is he getting away with it?"

"Well," she says, "he tells one person one thing, and other people other things. He plays one faction against another. But he's just doing what suits him. He's cooking two turkeys."

"He's cooking two turkeys?"

"Yeah."

"I don't think I've ever heard of that before."

"Oh. Yes...he's cooking two turkeys."

I started thinking about that expression, and I liked it. It's so vivid. I could picture two dinners, two parties, with a conniving trickster making his way back anf forth between them. It was perfect.

Then, when she started talking about potato salad, I realized that he was literally cooking two turkeys.

Screw it, I'm using it anyway.