Mom: He fractured his tibia and he's been eating Alleves for the past week...
Me: He's been eating LEAVES?
Mom: ALLEVES.
Me: Oh, I thought it might be some kind of herbal remedy.

Mom: Where do you vote?
Me: Temple Israel. The Jewish synogogue.
Sister: Why are you voting for him?
Me: What?
Sister: The Jewish guy.
Mom: What does it matter if he's Jewish?
Me: Not a Jewish guy ... Mom asked where I voted, and I said the Jewish temple.
Mom: I don't see what it matters if he's Jewish or whatever he is.
Sister: We're all deaf.

Me: The woman who lived there named her kid "B.J."
Christa: Oh, Jesus.
Me: I think maybe because it's what he should have been ...
Christa: [Shakes head]
Me: But no, it gets worse!
Christa: It can't get worse.
Me: Her dog was named "Bear" and she named them both after the TV show "B.J. and the Bear."
[pause]
Me: She got the dog way before she had the kid.

Sister: Is she in a gang?
Mom: A GANG? She's a grown adult!
Sister: Still ... a motorcycle gang?
Mom: [silent, appalled]

Me: I can't write about that B.J. thing.
Christa: Why not?
Me: I don't know. They're gonna find out and kill me in my sleep.
Christa: Maybe you could change it a little.
Me: Yeah. Maybe I could change it so she named the kid "Smokey" and the dog "Bandit."
[pause]
Me: No. That just won't do.