I know, I know. For weeks now, all of my readers have been sitting at home chewing their cuticles, worrying about the fact that my birthday is just around the corner.

What will I buy for Barrett Chase? you all wonder, staring at the ceilings in your bedrooms, ignoring the cries of your starving infants. December isn't very far away!

Well, fret no more, kids. Because I've just found exactly what I want, and I'm going to tell you about it.

The Beast™

What's that? Never heard of the Beast? Let me explain. The Beast is an oversized recliner (49"x46"x47.5" ... that's over four feet of ass-room!) available in seven (hear that? seven!) different patterns of camouflage. There is nothing I want more than to sit my enormous ass down in one of these babies, crank up the heat and massage, and sit obesely and invisibly in my living room while drinking Buds and watching Babe Winkleman pull in the smallmouths on cable TV.

Oh, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "I wonder what type of camouflage Barrett wants?" Let me make this easy for you: I want all of them.

You heard me right -- all of them! That's how much man I am. I want to come home from a long, hard day of scarfing down barbequed ribs and ranch dressing, drive my Rascal™ right into my living room without wiping off the tires, and choose which Beast I'm going to recline in.

I want to choose and recline like the royalty I am.

So help me live my dream, will you? It's what I really want.