My taxes are not complicated. I have one job, no dependents, and I own practically nothing of interest to the IRS, unless some government-employed CPA wants to come over to my apartment and play Guitar Hero III or watch season two of Northern Exposure. But since I hate doing arithmetic and I hate dealing with the US Mails even moreso, I always use one of the many free eFile options available to those citizens whose lives are uncomplicated by either children or excess wealth.

This year I chose esmarttax by Liberty, because it was recommended to me by the IRS website, and because I used it last year. Let me tell you something. This service is so efficient that I just now successfully (fingers crossed) submitted my 2007 tax return. On the night of April 20th.

Quite a long time ago now -- a responsible time before the April 15th deadline -- I merrily hauled out my W2 and whatever bullshit forms I needed. I plugged in my numbers. The website added it all up for me and told me I was getting a refund. I hit submit. All was well in the world.

Several days later, I checked to see how things were coming.

REJECTED.

I looked up the error code, which consisted of four paragraphs of electronic taxspeak about left and right justification, alphanumeric entries, etc. It didn't tell me where ther error was, only that I had an error, and that that error was Error 0010. At the bottom it said "if you get error 0010, contact us." The only way to contact the service was by filling out a form, so I did.

And then I waited. For days. I was never contacted.

At this point I decided I should do something. I thought the "alphanumeric" thingy might relate to the fact that I abbreviated the word "street" in my address, and used a period after it. So I changed that and resubmitted. More days passed. I was rejected again for the same error code.

By now, it was April 15. I figured I had to do something, so I thought I might investigate the pay service, which costs $30 and allows you to talk to a real person on the phone. I clicked the link, expecting to be lead to more information and WAS IMMEDIATELY SIGNED UP FOR THE SERVICE. No request for confirmation, no warning, just a $30 charge to my freaking credit card. And the clicker -- get this -- I was then presented with the same form I'd filled out days earlier, only this time there was a field for my phone number.

I sighed and entered the exact information I'd entered before, along with my number. And then I waited. Days went by again. No call.

Around April 18, I thought it wise to call the IRS and ask them what I should do. I told them my circumstances. They were as baffled as I was. The only sympathy they could offer was that since I don't have to pay them, the April 15th deadline doesn't mean much to me. There's no late penalty if you're getting a refund. They told me to wait for Liberty to call me back, and if they didn't, to just mail in my return like a senior citizen.

Finally, today, Liberty called me back (hey, it only took 5 days, what do you expect for $30?). They basically told me that I had checked a box somewhere that shouldn't have been checked. "The IRS doesn't have an error code for that, so we just used the closest thing we could," the rep said. Nice. How about you forgo the code and use the goddamn English language? But then, you wouldn't have my $30 would you?

That was what I wanted to say, but I never talked to them. They called while I was at work and left a message on my voicemail.

esmarttax from Liberty, you smell like balls. Next year I'm going to walker myself up to the letter box and mail in my return. And it's all your fault.