Christa recently wrote about the Get-Him System, a pamphlet she ordered from an ad in Teen magazine when she was in junior high. The Get-Him System detailed "how to get the boy you want and keep him," which turned out to be a list of completely obvious advice such as "be yourself" and "laugh at his jokes."

Sure, it sounds completely obvious at first, but when I think about it, it might not be. If today's teenage girls are using the current lineup of shows on MTV as their guide, for example, they might believe that the way to get guys is to behave as a totally antisocial bitch who constantly nags everyone within earshot at top volume while demanding cosmetic surgery and bemoaning their entire 101 pounds of fatness and ugliness. The college girls who live on my block certainly seem to subscribe to the MTV standard, so it's not difficult to believe that some of these kids could benefit from some painfully transparent ideas.

"Be yourself" is good enough for teenagers (or better yet, as Kurt Vonnegut once advised, "wear nice clothes and smile a lot"). But this got me thinking about single people my own age. What advice can I give to them, based on my own experience as well as that of my friends and acquaintances?

I now present to you, absolutely free of charge and without waiting 12-16 weeks for delivery:

The Get-Him (or Her) System 2.0: Dating Advice for People in Their 30s

» Don't be married.
I am absolutely serious here. When people in their 30s date, there's nothing hotter than finding out that a potential mate is not currently married to anyone else. If your online dating profile contains phrases such as "married and cheating" or "taken and flirting," or if one of your turn-ons is "discretion," the best thing you can do is get a divorce, separate all your belongings, enroll in therapy for awhile, spend some time enjoying your new independent life, and then attempt to attract the girl or guy of your dreams. Just sayin'.

» Don't be creepy.
There are several types of people in the dating pool as grown adults. Some have been married and divorced. Some are shy. Some are picky. Some have been focusing on other things, such as a career.

And then there are many -- most, one might say -- who are creeps.

If you are not a creep, this is great news for you. While on one hand it does mean that you will have to wade through batches and batches of creeps to find the one that you want, it also means that you are intensely desirable. Aren't sure whether or not you are a creep? Here are some clues.

-- The number of cats in your home reaches into the double digits.
-- When you are feeling romantic, your thoughts turn to diapers, animals, excrement, or any combination thereof.
-- The health department has ever been called to your place of living.
-- Your bed has more than five dolls or stuffed animals on it.
-- You have any valid restraining orders against you.

There are multitudinous other signs that you are creepy. These are only some of the most common. If you are a creep, or a borderline creep, don't fret. There's someone for everyone. However, the less creepy you are, the better your chances are at attracting someone. So don't just act normal. Be normal.

» Have a job and an apartment
By now, you may feel that I'm setting the dating bar very low. I'm not. In fact, I'm just being realistic. Eligible, single, employed people in their 30s who don't live with their parents are indeed hard to come by. Nothing sets a potential partner's mind at ease more than discovering that their date actually dressed his or herself in their own place, drove to the restaurant, and is able to at least pay for their own meal with actual earnings.

If have a job that pays a living wage and you own your own home, you might want to consider charging people to date you.

» Wear clothes purchased in the current century
Listen. I realize you're excited when you look at the Gap ads and discover that some of the cuts and styles that are popular now are similar to things that you still own and wear. However, this doesn't mean that we can't tell that you first wore your high-waisted jeans to Mrs. Hendrickson's fifth-period Algebra II class in 1989. Throw them in the Dumpster and have some effing pride.

Likewise you might want to ditch that banana clip and/or that Member's Only jacket. Seriously.

» Shave that molester mustache
And invest in some glasses that didn't come from Walgreens. Once again: Seriously.

» More than anything else, remember: Finding someone to love in your 30s is a lot like starring in one of George Romero's Living Dead movies. The first thing you need to do is convince everyone you're not a zombie and to find the other non-zombies. From there, it's extremely easy to figure out who you love and who you hate.