I stole this can cozy during the Grandma's Marathon celebration circa 1997. It reads "Turbodog." I have no idea what that means.

A couple of nights ago while I was doing my midnight shopping at Cub Foods, I saw a woman in her mid-50s, slightly grungy looking, wearing a Barack Obama button and browsing the rack of foam can-cozies. And they say Obama has no supporters in the white lower class. Here was a Jane Sixpack who obviously doesn't cling to guns or religion.

I didn't stick around to see which can cozy she chose, which sassy slogan she found most suitable for her lifestyle and attitude. She didn't seem like the rambunctious party type, so I doubt she chose "I have a drinking problem: two hands, one mouth." She seemed too nice for something like, "U toucha my beer, I breaka u face." If I had to guess, I'd say she went for "Born to fish, forced to work."

All of this got me to thinking about can cozies and can-cozy culture. Personally, I'm not very picky about the temperature of my beverages, and at home I rarely even put my beer in the fridge. But I'm weird that way. I can see how using a can cozy could be practical, especially if you're out in the backyard on a warm day, playing horseshoes with the extended family. In addition to keeping your drink cold, it could help you keep track of which can is yours.

It's the slogans that really baffle me, though. They're always the same slogans, whether they're on cozies, T-shirts, or baseball caps, and they're very popular among the WalMart set. I know people just like to hear the same jokes over and over (which also explains the popularity of Eddie Murphy's last twelve movies) but I like to imagine that people are choosing these slogans for more practical reasons. Somewhere out there right now, someone is saying, "I was going to ask Bill to help me move, but his can cozy indicated that he's retired and that I shouldn't ask him to do a damn thing."

I remember being in a hardware store once with my dad when I was a kid. He held up a length of foam pipe insulation, scratched his chin, and smiled. "I think this is the exact diameter of a can," he said. He plopped down some ridiculously small amount for it -- something like 39¢ -- and took it home. Sure enough, he was right. So he sliced that thing up on the band saw, and suddenly we had about eight new can cozies.

I was on a Pepsi kick that summer (it was "The Choice of a New Generation™" at the time) so I used the homemade cozies to keep my soda cold while I shot hoops in the backyard and fantasized about all the money I could make by cutting up foam pipe insulation into can-sized slices, painting them with my own wacky slogans, and selling them at a ridiculous markup.

I don't think my fantasies extending into the realm of actual slogans. But even off the top of my head, I still think I could do better than the 15 or 20 established slogans that you see everywhere. How about, "My other beer is fuller"? Or, "This machine destroys boredom"?

Better yet, how about an image of the tab on top of the can with the slogan, "Turn it to the side"?

Hm. If you need me, I'll be at the hardware store.