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Wed, 09 Feb 2011

One day last week, I got so cranked out of my mind on coffee that I thought I was going to tear off my own skin. I don't know what happened. I don't think I drank very much more than I normally do, but I did make it somewhat stronger than I normally do. Without going into too much detail, I wigged out and cleaned the kitchen, groaning in frustration the whole time at all the clutter. I dropped everything I picked up. I tripped over everything that was trip-over-able. And I did all of this when I already was pressed for time. It would have made far more sense to just leave the house early, or to sit on the couch and drink some water, but no, I was possessed by evil, apparently.

That night, I devised a plan to stop drinking caffeine. Or rather, I looked up plans on the internet, and then modified them to suit my ideas of what is workable for me. The plan was to keep track of how much caffeine I drink in on average, then try to reduce it by 25%. After a week or so, I'd knock off another 25%. Then after a few days, I'd only drink caffeine every other day. Then every two days. I'd keep reducing the frequency and amount in this way until my habit was broken.

This plan lasted about 24 hours, before I intentionally drank two large energy drinks (the most I've ever had in one night) and stayed awake for like a whole day. That was actually intensely pleasant. Remember those cut-shots in Requiem for a Dream where they'd show someone's pupil dialate and you'd hear that servo-motor sound effect? Yeah, like that. Drink. "VVVVVVTTT!!!!" Cut to me doing parkour in the living room at 5am.

My plan wasn't to quit entirely. I just wanted to break the actual physical addiction. I don't like the idea of needing caffeine, even if I have no problem with enjoying caffeine.

I think energy drinks are not long for this world. Whenever I drink them, which is usually about once or twice a week, I'm always appalled by how great they make me feel. I keep picturing a time in the future, like 60 years from now, when people say, "Can you believe there was a time when you could just walk into any convenience store and buy a can of panax and guarana?" It'll be like when Coca-Cola used to contain cocaine.

Here's something I've realized in recent months: There are all kinds of legal stimulants you can buy at gas stations and grocery stores. But the only legal depressant you can buy over the counter is alcohol. They ("they" being, I don't know, the Man I guess) don't want you going in that direction. What? You want unhealthy, tooth-grinding amounts of energy that makes you get off your ass and do stuff, preferably for the economy? Sure! Pick something from that wall over there. Oh, wait. You want to calm down, relax, and reduce stress? Well, I guess you can have a glass of wine, but really, a better way to reduce stress is to clean out your garage and then go shopping.

So I guess I'll have to try the caffeine ween again this week, before someone stages an intervention. Wish me luck.

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